The older we get the more we reflect on what has been; as well as lamenting on what possibly should have been.
Time is complex.
Time gives reason to celebrate as well as reason to regret.
Into my 50’s now, my perspective has come into focus over the past few years to a point where I find myself pleasantly surprised to be in a place of peace.
I find myself feeling comfortable in my own skin.
I no longer have any interest in impressing anyone in any superficial type of way.
For the first time ever all I really care about is being kind, and treating people the way that I wish I’d have treated them over the past decades.
The anger, spite, rage and bitterness that has filled most of my adult life is gone.
Instead of wasting any more time on that, now all I find myself wanting to focus on is being the best possible person that I can be.
The best possible husband, father and human being.
Grateful for my wife Shelly, and my sons Dylan and Taylor.
It’s been quite the journey to get to where I am now.
A journey of pain, sorrow, denial and missteps.
As well as a journey most recently of gratitude, vulnerability, self-reflection and honesty.
Grateful to finally be able to share valuable lessons that others can learn from.
It’s been a life of interesting, yet painful stories.
So painful that I wasn’t able to take the walls down that had surrounded these stories for decades.
As the ability to share and add my perspective has emerged, the walls have come down.
Gratitude and perspective have come into full focus.
This time of year is difficult for me.
Dana died on November 13th.
The 30th anniversary of her death is looming.
October and early November, like a broken record, are typically painful with melancholy as I can’t help but reflect on the last days of her life that led up to November 13th.
Many of those memories are etched in my mind with no threat of going anywhere.
Yet other memories are fading with time.
For years I held on tight, fighting not to let any of the memories fade away.
Grateful now for the shift into the ability to be content.
Content with the precious time that Dana and I had together.
Content with the memories that are safely tucked inside of me.
Content with the resilience that allowed myself to eventually move forward.
Content and proud of the father and husband that I am.
Content, proud and grateful for the life that I have built.
Content, proud and grateful for the person that I have become.
I find that the more genuine and true I am to myself, the more content I become.