November Comes Fast

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November seems to come around faster with passing each year.

On November 13th it will be 29 years since Dana died.

It’s just one quick year away from the milestone of 30 years.

On one hand this is mind boggling to me. But on the other hand I do feel like it’s been every bit of the ten thousand plus days that it’s been.

I wrote a piece called “This Time of Year” last November about how tortuous yet necessary each November is for me.

Today I feel some added mental exhaustion as I head into the weekend, as I just finished a particularly grueling work week.

As I turned the page on the calendar this morning I felt an overwhelming sense of weary anticipation as the next several day’s approach.

“Here we go again,” is what I instinctively said to myself.

Starting on November 8th I know that I will replay the details of that final weekend of Dana’s life in real time. Comforting memories will be constantly battling with raw pain for several days.

That final long weekend is perfectly preserved in my mind and I am grateful for that. Each day was packed with memories and details that I have managed to somehow hold onto.

On the 9th I closed escrow on purchasing what would have been our first home together. That evening was spent at the wedding of close friends, which was the last time many people (including my parents) ever saw Dana. The remaining days were spent primarily on doing fun things together for the new house.

She was set to be graduating from college in 3 short weeks. That, in addition to closing on the new house gave the weekend a triumphant, celebratory tone.

As I have mentioned often before, the last thing she said to me was, “three more weeks and we will never have to say good-bye again”.

I know that those words and that final conversation will hit me hard on the evening of the 12th. It always does.

But each year as the details of November play out in my head, I seem to react a little bit differently. I never quite know which way it’s going to go.

I am going to work hard on having the comforting memories win the battle this year, as gratitude filled nostalgia is much preferred to the darker side that I often times find myself falling into.

 

 

3 thoughts on “November Comes Fast

  1. I too have a difficult time with November. I’ve lost three really close people in the month of November. I had a panic attack out of fear of what the month looks like on the first. I’m hoping you are able to stay in that gratitude filled nostalgia place this month!

    Liked by 1 person

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